look at what you could've won
by Lee-and-Lucy
Summary: A look into what could've become of Lee & Lucy, had we not been blessed with their happy ending at the end of S7.
1. Chapter 1

**I'm back once again. Decided against using AO3 as my main writing platform, FF is a lot easier to navigate & I used to talk to so many NGO fans on here so I made the decision to stick with it.  
**

 **Okay, about the story. I'm afraid it's not a happy one. Basically, it's a look at what I think could've happened to Lee and Lucy, had Lee not confessed his feelings at the pub that night. I've never written angst before, so thought I'd try my hand at it. I promise I have some of my usual fluffy one shots on the way to cheer you guys up after this tear fest.**

 **Enjoy!**

1.

It would've been so easy to ask her not to go. To stop her in her tracks as she headed for the door of the bar and declare his years of undying love. She'd have stayed, he knows this for certain now as he thinks back on it, beer in his hand and tears in his eyes.

He could've said "Don't go, Lucy, I love you," and she'd have flung herself into his arms and everything would have been right in the world for once in his life. He supposes they'd have got married eventually, moved into a house with a nice garden, had kids, a dog, the whole nine yards. All it would have taken was a moments courage. A couple of words to tell her how he felt and all that could have been his, _she_ could have been his. He'd never been the courageous type, though. Never been the guy to stand up and make a statement. And so he'd let her go, the woman he'd loved for almost 7 years. He'd let her walk out of the door, out of his life, while he stared down at his beer mat and pretended not to notice she was crying as she turned her back on him.

Long story short, he'd made the worst mistake of his life.


	2. Chapter 2

2.

He gets home late that night after deciding to stay at the bar until closing. He's more than a little tipsy as he locks the door behind him and attempts to locate the light switch on the wall beside the coat rack. It takes him a few seconds but eventually the flat is illuminated in a dim glow and even in his alcohol induced daze his alarm bells start ringing when he realises her jacket and shoes are missing. Lucy always kicks her shoes off as soon as she gets through the door, especially after wearing heels all day. He teases her about it sometimes because they both know if he ever dared leave his shoes strewn haphazardly across the entryway she'd kill him. His blood runs cold for a moment, a sobering slap in the face until he has the sense to check his phone.

 _Staying with Daisy. I'll be back tomorrow to pack for Naples._

He throws his phone in a flash of anger then, only mildly relieved when it lands on the couch cushions with a soft thud instead of smashing to pieces on the floor. Everything is fucked up and it's all his fault. He slides down the door, knees against his chest, eyes screwed shut and he wishes harder than he's ever wished for anything that he could turn back the clock a couple of hours, could watch her walk up to the bar all over again so he could see her face as he told her he loved her. God, she'd have been so happy, he thinks to himself as he feels the tears finally start to fall. Here in the flat by himself, he lets himself cry for her and what an absolute mess everything has turned out to be. He imagines her doing the same, crying on her own in Daisy's guest bedroom and the thought makes him feel sick to his stomach.

He stays there on the floor until the sun starts to come up.


	3. Chapter 3

3.

When he wakes up at almost noon the next day it takes him a couple of seconds to get his bearings and realise he's on the couch. He remembers passing out there at around 5 in the morning after downing a couple of shots of the expensive whiskey Lucy likes to reserve for special occasions. His head is pounding, the flat is way too bright, and he's about to shove his face back into cushions until he hears a scuffling noise coming from somewhere behind him.

"Shit,"Lucy whispers, followed by the sound of something heavy being dragged across the wooden floor.

He considers pretending to be asleep but quickly decides against the idea when he realises he doesn't know when he'll see her again after today. So he sits up and faces the music, notices the huge suitcase she's dragging out of her bedroom.

"Oh, sorry, I thought you were asleep," she says and he doesn't know if he's imagining the way she can't quite meet his eyes. Probably not, because if he's honest he's having a hard time looking at her, too.

"Don't be sorry, it's your flat," he smiles half heartedly as he moves to sit up properly on the couch, wincing as his headache gets about a thousand times worse.

He notices the bags under her eyes and feels guilty that she'd obviously had as bad a night as him. She's wearing a too big sweater that belongs to Daisy judging by the funky owl motif on the front and her hair is twirled into a messy bun and all he wants to do is apologise for what happened, or didn't happen, last night and kiss her. Wants to tell her how much of an idiot he feels for screwing up the perfect opportunity to finally cross the line they'd be dancing around for too many years. Instead they stare around the room awkwardly, not knowing what to say and that breaks his heart even more because it's _never_ been awkward between them, not even when they'd first started living together despite being virtual strangers. They'd had a natural bond from the start and now after one stupidly missed opportunity it was like they didn't know each other at all.

"I'm going to have to go, my flights at four," she tells him as she starts dragging the oversized case to the door again.

He jumps to his feet at seeing her struggle and he notices her small smile even though she still can't look him in the face.

"Let me help you," he says as he gently tugs the plastic handle out of her hand.

"Just put it in the lift, my dads waiting with the car downstairs," Her voice is heavy with emotion and he hopes she doesn't cry because if she cries he knows he'll never be able to get this awful moment out of his head.

They walk the few paces from their front door to the lift and then they just stand there for a minute, that same awkward silence creeping in and it's unbearable.

"I'm sorry," he finally says as he looks down at his scuffed trainers.

He hears her gulp and when he looks up there are tears on her cheeks and he takes her hands in his without even having to think about it. She's clinging onto his hands like they're a life line as she finally gathers enough courage to look at him.

"We want different things, Lee," she says quietly. "This is the way it has to be if either of us are ever going to move on."

"I know... I know."

He untangles his hands from hers and she gets in the lift without turning back to say goodbye.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you to the guest reviewer that commented on here a few days ago, your lovely words made my day.**

 **Here's chapter 4, enjoy!**

4.

 _3 months later._

He hadn't expected it to be such a long separation. If someone had told him he wouldn't see Lucy, barely even hear from her apart from the occasional text, for an entire three months, he'd have laughed in their face.

She'd been his best friend for 6 years, a constant in his life; they'd done the grocery shopping together, watched films until the early hours of the morning, made each other cups of tea, wound Tim up over Skype, bickered, laughed, gossiped about their many crazy neighbours, walked around the park on Saturday mornings, ordered a pizza on Saturday nights, and a million other countless little things that Lee hadn't even thought about until she'd left.

Now, it was if he was lost. Most of the time he hung around the flat on his own, or went to the pub on his own, unless he was absolutely starving for human company, in which case he'd call Daisy and they'd make small talk for a couple of hours, always avoiding the elephant in the room. Daisy had never been one to hold a stimulating conversation, though.

He knew she talked to Tim about him, judging by the sympathetic messages he'd get increasingly more often from the other man. Tim was coming home from Germany for a couple of weeks over the Christmas period, so at least he'd have someone to talk to who wasn't away with the fairies. However, Christmas was still more than a month away so he'd just have to endure his own company for a little while longer.

Or so he thought.

He was still half asleep when his phone started to vibrate on the night stand, making him jump and scramble to answer the call as quickly as possible, anything to stop that god awful noise.

"What?" He grumbled, having not even checked the caller ID.

"Oh my god, I woke you up, didn't I?"

She sounded lighter, happier, and Lee was completely at a loss for words. It was as if the last three months had been a terrible nightmare and she'd just decided to call him from work or something to make sure he was up and had done at least a little bit of housework. Not that she'd ever had to do that. Okay, maybe once or twice. He could just imagine her on the other end of the phone, juggling files while rolling her eyes at him, but still smiling, always smiling, he could hear it in her voice as she told him to get his arse out of bed and turn the hoover on. However, he was imagining a scenario from months ago and had absolutely no idea what she was doing right now while she talked to him on the phone, didn't even know where she was. Obviously she was back in England, otherwise why else would she be calling? But was she at her parents? Daisy's? Was she on her way back to the flat? _Their_ flat?

"Lee, are you still there?" She asked when he hadn't answered after a couple of seconds.

"Lu- Lucy?" He tried to speak but couldn't manage to stop his voice from cracking if his life depended on it.

It had been months. _Months_. And here she was sounding as blasé as if she'd just popped out to the shops to get a loaf of bread.

"Yeah, it's me. I'm, erm, I'm back in England."

"Oh.. when- I mean, are you coming ba-" Lee couldn't seem to string a sentence together but thankfully Lucy seemed to understand what he was trying to ask and jumped in to explain.

"I'm going to be staying with Daisy."

There was a long pause, then. He waited for her to say something else, because he sure as hell didn't know how to reply to what she'd just said. He didn't think ' _No, Lucy, don't stay with Daisy, come back here to the flat because I love you, I just don't fancy getting married or having kids because I'm absolutely petrified of bringing children into the world and fucking them up like my parents did to me_ ' would go down very well.

"I was actually wondering if we could meet up to talk? Maybe tomorrow? I only got back a couple of hours ago so I have a hundred and one things to sort out today," She explained.

"Yeah, fine with me. I mean I'll have to make sure it doesn't clash with Loose Women but any time after that is fair game," He joked. And then, after a pause, "Lucy... I missed you, you know?"

She didn't answer for a second and when she did finally reply, her words were so quiet Lee barely caught them and it sounded a lot like she might be trying not to cry.

"You, too."

"See you tomorrow, then?"

"See you tomorrow, Lee."

Call disconnected.

He was reclined across the couch later that evening, watching a Top Gear special he'd seen over a hundred times, when his phone vibrated, indicating a new message.

 **Daisy:** BIG NEWS! Lucy back n staying at mine! :O :O

 **Lee:** You couldn't have warned me earlier? You know, like this morning BEFORE she called me and caught me completely by surprise?

 **Daisy:** Oh ye... Sorry I forgot :(

 **Lee:** She wants to meet up tomorrow. Says she wants to talk. Any idea what that's about?

 **Daisy:** No but I'll try and get smthng out of her.. I'll be suttle

 **Lee:** No, it's alright! I know your idea of subtle.

 **Daisy:** Don't worry Lee it's probs smthng n nothing

He didn't bother replying to that last message. Something told him he'd be up all night worrying anyway.


End file.
